I was so busy worrying about the future that I forgot to live for today.
I was working full time for a job that I loved. I really felt like I was progressing and moving up in the company, I loved my bosses, and the work was relatively easy for me to do. I worked full time, and always volunteered to work late nights whenever necessary. Never taking time off to prove I'm better than everyone else. If you're reading this, you might have been in the same boat. Eat, sleep, work. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Then the shut down came.
I had all of this new found free time on my hands, and kept coming back to the question:
Who am I?
And the answer I found was that I had created a whole identity around my career. I defined myself by who I was going to be. My career goals. The life that I was planning in my head. Constantly filled with anxiety of what my next big step was going to be, when to ask for that raise, etc.
But that wasn't the question.
It is: "who am I, right now, in this very moment?" Without a job. Without any plans or distractions. And I couldn't answer it.
I have never been content enough with myself to live in the now. And I think a lot of us might be in the same boat. That is why for some of us, quarantine is really hard. Let's just go back to normal. Let's distract ourselves in the hustle and bustle that we call routine. We are conditioned to it.
But sit with yourself for a second. No matter how awkward or seemingly scary it might be.
Do you know who you are?
Do you know your likes, dislikes, best memories, favorite pass times... and what makes your heart soar?
For me, I realized that I felt most like myself when I was traveling, and when I could share my music with others. I had time to reflect on the impact that I can potentially make on others, and reflected on the time that I have wasted the past 3 years of my life. I got caught up in "routine" because it is comfortable. It is normal.
I realized that my past jobs got in the way of my true passions. I would skip family vacations and holidays because my bosses needed me to work. I watched my nieces go from babies to little ladies right before my eyes, and didn't take a beat to tell them how much I love them and give them a big ol' hug.
It all seems very arbitrary doesn't it?
All of this time that I lost, was for a few extra bucks? Or because I didn't want to make someone think less of me? Looking back, I wish I could wake myself up from the seemingly romantic idea of a routine. I wish I would have thought with my heart more than my head. Or at least a healthy balance.
All of the time I could have been with my family, or my nieces, were lost to jobs that I don't even have anymore.
I know it may seem a little dark, but I wake up everyday thinking, if today was my last day, would I feel regret or contentment? Did I live my life to the absolute fullest? Or was I just a zombie most of the time?
I think you all know what my answer was. And as selfish as it sounds, from now on, I am putting myself first. I will still work hard in my jobs, but I will also take time off. I will still respect my bosses, but also demand that same respect from them, too.
And most of all, I can't wait to travel again. I can't wait to make new memories with my loved ones. To laugh. Cry. Try something new and exciting. Sing. Do the things that make me feel like my best self.
This is my new priority, because when I'm 80 and I look back on my life, those are the moments I'm going to remember.
I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite movie quotes from the one and only Ferris Bueller:
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Sending peace, love, and contentment to all of you beautiful souls.
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